Hide Your Loved Ones, Ugly Sonic is Back

You know, I didn't expect to think about Sonic until May 24th, AKA the day Sonic the Hedgehog 2 releases on VOD.

On that day, I was supposed to reprise my greatest fit of pandemic delirium, when I pulled a TV into my garage, invited a friend over, and watched Sonic to the tune of whatever amount of adult beverages swiftly erased any memory of seeing Sonic.

Only with, you know, the sequel, which I understand involves a fox and an echidna (voiced by Idris Elba!) this time.

I hate to report that my date with death has been moved up four days. Apparently, there is another children's movie in town—Disney+'s Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers, featuring John Mulaney and Andy Samberg as the titular chipmunks—that has once again dared to include this hellish creature, the one with fur the color of Gatorade Cool Blue, into the once-great history of the moving image.

But there's a twist. Remember back in your coddled pre-pandemic life, when the first Sonic the Hedgehog trailer featured an ultra-realistic hedgehog, but with human teeth? And it was so damn terrifying that Sonic fans bullied the creators into redesigning the character?

Since I will not see Rescue Rangers until I light several Bath & Body Works candles and begin my satanic Sonic ritual tonight, I can only offer a small bit of context, most of which I've gleaned from the clip below. Rescue Rangers gleefully partakes in the sub-genre of the moment, made popular by Space Jam: A New Legacy and Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness: the multiversal romp.

Rescue Rangers mostly tools around in the Disney cartoon sandbox, but with guest spots from the likes of... the Coca-Cola polar bear? Do kids even know who that dude is? Anyway, the artist now known as Ugly Sonic—the pre-redesign character—shows up at his own booth (?), proving entirely unhelpful to Chip and Dale, who are trying to access FBI files (?!).

Ugly Sonic moves slooooowly, has a beer gut, and yes, still has those pearly whites. If you choose to watch Rescue Rangers with your family this weekend, consider skipping the Ugly Sonic scene, which will certainly induce the radioactive level of nightmare that your kids will bring up in therapy when they hit middle age.

Ugly Sonic moves slooooowly, has a beer gut, and yes, still has those pearly whites. If you choose to watch Rescue Rangers with your family this weekend, consider skipping the Ugly Sonic scene, which will certainly induce the radioactive level of nightmare that your kids will bring up in therapy when they hit middle age.